Relationships have always been a very difficult thing for me. I know that might sound crazy considering my line of work, but I guess that goes hand-in-hand with the fact that I'm also an introvert.
I wonder if you're born introverted or if you're molded that way? Because I'm almost positive that my difficulty in relationships has come from experience in my life.
It started with family, of course. My sister and I never got along great. Mostly worried about sharing each other's toys, and then clothes.
Then it was school friends. You would think that being born to a school teacher would offer stability. After 6 out of 7 elementary years at my mom's school, someone higher up decided I should go to the school designated to my neighborhood instead of getting special treatment. The worst semester of my life still to this day was at that new school my 6th grade year until they let me back to my old school for the second half when they suddenly “had room.” This was the second worst semester of my life in which I spent closely—but not too close—to my old friends who had moved on without me.
The bouncing continued in high school. Friends were made and then lost because I just wasn't around long enough.
When you don't have any real stable friendships in your life, you start to assume that you're not going to be enough for anyone. That you're just using up their time that they wish they were spending on someone else.
This is easily where I learned to speak fast and give people a courteous “out” from anything to do with me. Always accommodating for time.
With this mindset, relationships of love can have a rocky road. I spent a lot of time in my life with people who are just like those old “friends.” Wishing you well but not actually wanting to stick with you for long. And if they did stick around, it was because they didn't quite know how to move on with this added comfort in their life.
Me. There. Accommodating.
And then suddenly someone else was accommodating me.
A real, true friendship had come along. Someone who is just as excited to spend time with me as I him. Incredible. I feel loved and protected. I feel like myself, unapologetically. I feel passionate in arguments, willing to do anything to fix it. I never wanted to cut him off before he could hurt me too deeply, like the loads of people I've let go of throughout my life.
I have a partner.
After just a year of this incredible friendship, he proposed. I never thought it would happen that fast. Certainly not that someone would choose me that fast, no less me choose him back.
You know what they say. When you know, you know.
Although it sounds like a lot of my life was filled with disappointing relationships, I've had some great ones too. And I wouldn't change anything. Everyone and everything to this point, I believe, has been preparing me to find the right partner in my life.
Subpar relationships. Touch-and-go friendships. Fear of commitment. And a few good eggs. All of that had to happen for me to get here. To my best friend.
If you haven't found someone good enough yet. Keep going. This is simply the vetting process to finding that person for you.